Pearls of wisdom from Alan Hansen

Watched the last Match Of The Day on Sunday night, mainly for the amusement factor of seeing Newcastle get relegated.

Good old show it was, exciting highlights from the last day of the season, and they also showed the goal of the season contenders as well (Geovanni for Hull at the Emirates gets my vote).

Presenter Gary Lineker wrapped up the show - and the whole season - by turning to Alan Hansen, asking him to "sum up the season". And do you know what he said?..... well, what do you think he might have said? How did he choose to sum up 10 months of action?

This is what he had to say.....

"Well, the bottom four teams have been poor, and the top four teams have been exceptional"

Just to save you the trouble of going back and reading that again, I'll type it again for you:

"Well, the bottom four teams have been poor, and the top four teams have been exceptional"

Now, let's consider that this man GETS PAID to talk about football. And his summary of the season is.... about as insightful as a fucking retard. The top teams are good and the bottom teams are shit. Well thanks a fucking million Alan, I'm really glad you played all those games for Liverpool and won all those medals, thank you for bestowing your wisdom on us.

When my girlfriend - who knows two-thirds of fuck all about football - shakes her head in disbelief over the sheer banality of the shite that is dribbling out of Alan Hansen's mouth, then it's time to recognise that MOTD has reached a low point.

Tell you what Alan, next time Lineker asks you for an opinion, don't bother saying anything. Instead, draw a picture of your answer with a crayon and hold it up to the camera, because this is likely to be more meaningful and intelligent. And it will mean we don't have to listen to your boring voice. You boring twat.

Swine flu - the real truth

Western governments to the media:

"Hey look guys, I know we've made a right old fuck-up of the economy and we're generally doing a piss-poor job of managing things, our troops are still getting killed every day in a war that was started under false pretences... unemployment and violent crime are both on the up........ all this is making us look really bad. Is there any chance you could, you know... write headlines about something else? Anything at all will do, as long as deflects attention away from what an absolute arse of a job we're doing?"

Media to government:

"Hmmmmm.... let me think... wait a minute, I know! It's been a few years since we created that massive commotion over bird-flu, what a laugh that was eh?! Half the world was scared out of their wits, even though in the end the only people killed were a few grannies and some guy from the Huang Sheng province who'd been convicted of shagging chickens. I reckon most people will have forgotten about that; why don't we try the same trick again? I've heard that there's one or two Mexicans been killed by swine flu; I suppose we could create a massively overblown media storm about that. Once the 24-hour rolling news channels get a hold of it, forget the economy boys, people will be far too busy running for their lives scared shitless about swine flu"

Government to media:

"Hey sounds absolutely excellent, lets do it. Just one question though... this swine flu, how dangerous is it?"

Media to Government:
"Well I've heard it's just like any other flu really, pretty nasty if you get it, but there's an anti-virus widely available, and it works. But don't worry about small details like that, we'll concentrate on scary words like PANDEMIC to make sure there's a massive spread of fear and panic."

Government to media:

"Champion. Geraldine, can you get me Rupert Murdoch on the phone please?"

Poverty in the UK.... how much of it is lethargy?

I've no doubt that there are some people living in the UK that survive on meagre state hand-outs and life must be really tough. If these adults are getting off their arse and trying to make a better life for themselves and their families then bloody good luck to them and they should receive all the help and support that the exchequer can throw at them.

It's the people that are content for a life on benefits that piss me off. Surely to god these people aren't counted as being parents of the "3.9 million children in UK living in poverty".

What I'm amazed at is how so many people can live in a house with absolutely no means of income other than benefits and yet they're still able to afford Sky TV, they still smoke, they get pissed up more often than I do, and they wear designer clobber!!!! Some of them even call the day they receive their benefits 'pay day'. Pay day!! Right.... if people can afford all of that, and can also afford to eat so much crap food that they're grotesquely obese..... then I'm sorry, but that is not poverty. That's a fucked up benefits system that allows people to take the piss and select "lazy sponging fat bastard" as a career choice.

I'd like to know exactly how 'poverty' is defined. In some parts of the world, there are skeletal-thin, orphaned kids living in gutters - I mean literally living in gutters, begging for food. THAT is poverty.

Gotta stay up

What a season of ups and downs my beloved Barrow AFC have had, and I've been lucky enough to be there to see much of it. We're now nearly, almost, just-about safe but until it's mathematically certain, I'm still brickin' it. Two games left and both of 'em are tough ones - can we really afford to lose at home to high-flying Torquay on Tuesday night, and again away at Eastbourne on Sunday, and still survive? Jesus....

I've followed the Bluebirds this season to Altrincham, Northwich, York, Eastbourne (in the cup), Burton, Torquay, Wrexham, Kettering, Mansfield, oh and a pleasant stop-off at Middlesbrough in the cup. Just two games left and I'll be at them both, including a first for me - travelling to a Barrow game by air! Flying from Manchester to Gatwick for the final game of the season away at Eastbourne. Fingers crossed that it's gonna be a celebration and not a wake. Either way, it can't come soon enough.

No dogs

Been thinking for a while about getting a dog. Not really a goer right now 'cos I live in an apartment and it just wouldn't be practical, but if/when I move to a house, it could be on the agenda. I've weighed up the pros and cons, there's loads but they boil down to the following:

Pros:

Companionship
Unconditional love from the dog
Dog walking is good exercise

Cons:
Vet bills
I work long hours, would need a 'dog sitter'
Dogs stink

Was still mulling it over until today, when I saw what was and is the deal-breaker.

If you ever need reminding that man's existence on earth is fleeting and ultimately pointless, then surely there's no greater proof than watching a person walk along the road in the cold and rain, walking their dog, carrying a little bag of the dog's freshly-crapped crap. I just cannot ever imagine putting myself through the humiliating ritual of turning-the-bag-inside-out-to-pick-the-shit-up that dog owners do. Bollocks to that.

Veggies - miserable bastards

What a nightmare it is when you've got someone coming round who's a vegetarian.

As If preparing and cooking a decent meal for guests isn't stressful enough, you end up having to make two different meals 'cos you've got to make something different to cater for the bloody tree muncher. Now I ask you, have you ever been to dinner at a vegetarians house? I have. Did they go…. "Oh I've got some non-veggies coming round, I must cater for them by cooking steak." ? Did they bollocks. They force their shite food on you. Fucking fennel or some other such shite that makes you fart like hell and leaves you feeling hungry about ten minutes after finishing it. Bloody vegetarians. And you have you ever noticed how sanctimonious and miserable most of them are? Maybe if they ate more protein they'd have enough energy to smile every now and again.

Oirish nonsense

St Patricks day earlier this week. Lets all wear green, wear bloody great big 'comedy' guiness hats and say feck a lot, get pissed up and sing the Wild Rover.

Er..... but most of you, you're not really fucking Irish are you, you mugs?

Here's a plan for all the English people masquerading as bloody leprechauns on St Patricks Day - how about remembering that your own country has a patron saint, he's called St George, and St George's Day is on 23rd April.

IS HORSE SHIT LITTER OR NOT?

I live about 100 yards from the main Police Headquarters building in Liverpool. Amongst other things, they co-ordinate their mounted patrols, i.e. coppers on horseback, from there.

Now, let me make it clear - I'm absolutely in favour of more police, and in particular more highly visible police, on the streets of our towns and cities. I'm a law-abiding kind of fella, not a criminal scumbag, so if I'm ever going to have dealings with the boys in blue, it's more than likely that it'll be because I need their help, not because I've done something wrong.

Back to the coppers on horseback.

The mounted patrols tend to follow the same route as they leave the HQ, and this route sees them walk along the street I live on. On a quiet night, even if I have all of the windows of my second-floor apartment closed, I can actually hear them clip-clopping past on their way into the city centre. So far, so peachy.

Sometimes, even if I haven't heard them, it's clear that they have been past. And the reason I know they've been past is the half ton of stinking horse shit that's been deposited down the middle of the road.

Now, I ask you - if I had a a dog, and let it do a massive shit in the street in full view of two coppers, and then carried on my merry way without clearing it up, would I be nicked? You can bet your bloody poop-a-scoop I would! If I dropped an empty crisp packet, could I be done for littering? Oh yes.

Come on officers.... clean up your horse shit eh

Smoking ban.... not happy

The smoking ban has been in force in England now for..... what, a couple of years or so now?

Have you noticed what a lot of smokers do now though? They leave pubs/bars/restaurants to go outside to feed their pathetic stinking dirty habit, but only JUST outside of the building, kind of half-in, half-out. What is it with these people? No smoking inside INCLUDES the doorway entrance you muppets, so shift well clear of the building. I shouldn't have to walk through the carcinogenic stinking cloud beng created by a bunch of tabby bastards huddled half-in and half-out of a bar. And equally, if I'm sat inside somewhere, I shouldn't be subjected to a lung-full of the stuff that gets wafted in everytime the bloody door opens.

And don't get me started on people blowing shit-loads of smoke in my general direction when I'm out and about in public..... if I had my way, smoking would be banned in ALL public places, INSIDE AND OUT. Do it in your own homes.

If ever you get into a debate with a smoker about this, they always trot out the line "But if you banned smoking totally in public, less people would smoke, just think about how much the government would lose in tax".

Do me a favour. Yep, the government does raise shit-loads of revenue in tax from smokers..... and then promptly shells it all out again via the squillions of pounds that it costs the NHS in treating illness and disease that is directly attributable to smoking.

I say BAN SMOKING IN ALL PUBLIC PLACES.

Birds that follow the flock

Ugg boots?
Oversize belt?
Fake tan?
Bleach blond hair?

You're a walking cliche. Get a fucking grip