Kids are annoying

Controversial subject time.

I'm in my late 30s. I don't have kids. I don't want kids. This places me in the minority.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like kids, I will tolerate them, even entertain them. In small doses. I've got friends and relatives with kids from a few months old to teenagers. I'll talk to them, I'll humour them, I'll be nice to them, I'll even try and teach them something useful from time to time if I'm ever in the company of one for more than a few minutes.

Parenting seems to have changed so much in a generation. Of course I appreciate that kids are the most precious thing in their lives, but at what cost? Do parents really have to put their adult lives virtually on hold? I remember having toys and stuff; I remember going to the occasional birthday party. But what I don't remember is my parents letting me turn their entire house into a cross between santa's grotto and a branch of Toys R Us, complete with Disney DVD blaring out of the telly ALL THE TIME. What is going on with some parents these days? Here's a tip for you parents - if all you ever do, all the time, is scurry about looking after every single whim and wish of your offspring, never saying no to them, not only will your kids become horrible spoilt bastards with limited social skills and a sense that the world owes them everything on a plate, but you yourself will become a very boring adult indeed.

When I meet a friend/colleague, of course I ask how they are, how their family is - it's polite, and I'm genuinely interested. But you know what, I tend to avoid asking that question to anyone that's got young kids. For many of them, it seems to be a green light for them to crap on and on and on about what little timmy has done this week. ACTUALLY, I'M NOT REALLY THAT FUCKING INTERESTED.

My pet hate at the minute is parents of kids that let them run riot in public. Jesus christ!!!! Get a grip of them will you?! Christmas shopping is stressful enough without having to put up with irresponsible, rude, selfish parents who seem to think that the rest of us don't mind that their little darlings are charging about in restaurants, coffee shops, on public transport, wherever, causing havoc and screaming the place down. If you're a parent, you have RESPONSIBILITIES. Step up to them will you. If your kids are behaving terribly, it makes YOU look bad.

Here's another one. Parents get it laid on a fucking plate in the workplace. Example:

Person A is a parent of two twin boys. The boys are in their school nativity play. Person A would love to go and watch them star on stage, but works a 9 to 5 job and the play is during the afternoon.

Person B has no kids. They are getting a new sofa delivered sometime between 12pm and 5pm.

Can you guess which person got the time off at the drop of a hat, no questions asked, and which person got their time off begrudgingly after a gestapo-style Q&A session, and had to make arrangements to make the time up? Honestly, I'm all for allowing parents to continue to work but for fucks sake it would appear to me that there's positive discrimination going on here.

Even the government are at it. Every time I hear the term "hard working FAMILIES" I scream at the telly. How about "hard working PEOPLE". Family or not, I've still had the same rises in fuel & food costs, I'm still feeling the pinch of the current economic downturn. Tax breaks for parents?! Do me a favour..... how about tax breaks for people who choose not to contribute to the fact that the western world is already massively over-populated? We are the ones doing the world a favour, not those that are breeding like rabbits.

Motorway services stealth tactics

Been a bit quiet on the blog front.... I started with a flurry of activity and then, well I couldn't be arsed really. Back on it now though and there'll be more regular musings as I've recently got myself a sexy iphone so I can post straight to the blog from there.

Anyway.... here's something that properly pisses me off, been meaning to write about it for a while but just never seemed to get around to it..

You know when you stop for fuel at motorway services? It's to be avoided obviously, as you just know that you're gonna get ripped off, cos the petrol/diesel costs tons more than at tesco or wherever but occasionally you get 'caught short' and need to fill up on a long journey. Well, they're not content with just robbing you blind on the cost of fuel, oh no.. now, when you go in to their shop to pay for your fuel, they now have a fucking obstacle course in the way that means you've got to zig-zag your way past all the over-priced chocolate, crappy CDs and Ginsters pies. I asked the zombie on the checkout at Charnock Richard on the M6 why they'd done this and he muttered some old bollocks about it helping with the queues when they're busy. Fuck off!!! It's to try and grind us down into paying five quid for a shit sandwich and a warm bottle of diet coke. Robbing bastards.

Threeo Walcott etc

Ok ok ok, so England played really well last night, stuffed Croatia 4-1 in Zagreb, and "teenage wonderkid" Theo Walcott scored a fantastic hat-trick. I'm English, and I'm a football fan, so I'm happy.


But it's times like these that contribute more than anything else towards the fact that every other country, and I mean EVERY other country, HATES England more than any other team. If you believe much of what's in the tabloid press this morning, christ you may as well get on the phone to FIFA right now and tell them not to bother holding the 2010 World Cup, just engrave England's name on the trophy and ship it over to FA Headquarters. One of the papers, might have been The Sun or the Star, not sure which one, anyway one of the comics, devoted eleven, yes ELEVEN, pages to the game. ELEVEN PAGES?! It's laughable.

England have won a QUALIFYING game, played really well, and unearthed a young star in the making. I'll repeat that - a QUALIFYING game. Not the World Cup Final. So lets get it in perspective for god's sake; the game does not prove, by any stretch of the imagination, that they are world-beaters.

Andy Murray

Go on son!!! My word he gave it to Nadal in the semis of the US Open, fair play to him.

Talking to folk today, and listening to a bit of radio coverage, it would appear that the jury is still out regarding many people's attitude to Murray. Is he:

1. A spoilt, dour-faced miserable grumpy sulky mummys boy, or
2. A potential worldbeater that the whole country should celebrate and get right behind

I'm definitely in the second camp on this one. Christ he's only 21 years of age, most of his 'communication issues' stem from a lack of maturity, simple as that. Even if he gets beat by Federer in tonight's final, getting there is a fantastic achievement.

It'll be interesting to see if and how the UK's coverage of him changes if he wins the US Open. Give me Angry Andy Murray over Timid Tim Henman any day.

Prom Night

Prom night? Prom night?!? Where the hell are we, Beverley Bloody Hills? What happened to School Discos?

If I see another limousine with pre-pubescent girlies done up to the nines screaming out of the windows, I swear I'm going to start carrying a crossbow. Either that or start selling fake tan at the roadside.

I blame the parents.

Umbrellas - the silent killer

I'm sure that you've probably heard at least one person in your life say something along the lines of

"If cigarettes were invented today, they'd be illegal"

Maybe you've even said it yourself. And you know what, you'd be right. Cigarettes WOULD be illegal if they were invented today. And quite right too. I'd make them illegal today anyway, but that's a whole other rant that will no doubt get its own entry here soon enough.

There's something else though, that I'm sure if it were invented today, would be deemed far too dangerous to public health, and would also be made illegal. I'm talking about umbrellas. And brollies. They're both the same. Potentially lethal. Can you imagine that jock bloke on Dragon's Den?

"So, yuv invented a divice that keeps rain offa th' individual, and it's goat a dozen metal spikes roond the edges at eye-height, pointing outtheways. Ah cud problee use it as a weapon roond the streets a Glasgow, but as a day to day item, its far too dangerous. For tha' reason, ahm oot."

And you know what, HE'D BE RIGHT. Umbrellas and brollies, particularly in the hands of air head teenage lasses and doddering old biddies who don't look where they're going, are absolutely flippin' lethal. As soon as there's a shower on a Saturday afternoon in Liverpool city centre it turns into an eye-level minefield. I say BAN UMBRELLAS now before some poor bugger - i.e. me - gets their eye poked out.

See that picture of me? Do you think I'm wearing those shades to look cool? Nope, I'm wearing them for protection - you never know when it's going to rain. Stay safe people.